[Not-So Funny] The Word: “Opposition Party”

The Liberty Voice Transcript Service

This segment of Steven Colbert’s “The Word” on the Colbert Report (Comedy Channel) aired on September 26, 2006. Bracketed comments denote text which appeared on-screen as part of Colbert’s monologue.

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Now listen folks. We all know about the big dust-up between President Bush and Senate leadership over his wanting to change the language of the Geneva Conventions, right? Well, on Thursday, they reached a compromise. And that’s not just a victory for Bush—it’s a victory for the country. Because basic human rights is something we all need to compromise on.

You see, his opponents are a group of rebels within the Republican party, John McCain, Lindsay Graham and John Warner who stood up and said “NO!” to the President’s plan. Meanwhile, the Democrats also stood up and said, “We’re just gonna wait over here. You tell us when you’re done.”

Which brings us to tonight’s word, “Opposition Party.”

You gotta hand it to McCain, Warner and Graham. They stood up for their principles and came out with a deal that preserves America’s moral standing.

[Standing Naked In A Cold Room]

Here’s the compromise: McCain, Warner and Graham conceded the President’s right to declare anyone anywhere an illegal enemy combatant and detain them indefinitely without a trial.

[Sleep Lightly Helen Thomas]

That eliminates the Writ of Habeas Corpus, which demands you present a reason for imprisoning someone. Let’s face it: Habeas Corpus is pre-9/11 thinking.

[Magna Carta 1215 A.D.]

Now for his part, the President conceded the Senators that he will not change the Geneva Convention’s language on torture, as long as he personally gets to decide what torture is.

[For Him, The White House Press Room]

So, it was an ideal compromise in the name of the greater good — everyone gave up a little something.

[Say, A Pinky Finger]

So instead of letting the Democrats oppose the President, the Republicans were able to stand up and reach a compromise acceptable to both sides.

[The Right And The Far Right]

But you know, the press had our job to do too. We made it look like Bush and McCain were marching to very different drummers, but it turns out they were dancing to the same tune.

[Red Hot Chili Peppers]

It just proves what I always said, governing is a lot easier when your checks and balances come from people who don’t want to check or balance you. After all, why let the opposing party fight your legislation when you have way more control when you’re your own opposition?

[Ask the Log Cabin Republicans]

And folks, it’s a strategy that can work on any issue. Let’s say, I don’t know, you came out in favor of drawing and quartering criminals.

[Finally! Work For My Ox!]

Instead, of letting your political enemies come out against it — you seize the high moral ground by getting a member of your own party to oppose you. Then you can reach a reasonable compromise — drawing and halving!

That’s only half as bad!

[Twice As Easy To Clean Up!]

After all, if you’re your own opposition, what position can your real opposition take?

[Submission]

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