by Laura Robeson
When I was in 4th grade I had tonsillitis. The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics to make it all better. There were a couple problems with this remedy, however. I was only 9 years old and hadn’t yet mastered the art of swallowing pills, let alone giant pink horse pills. And my throat hurt like hell, just drinking water was painful. My Mom’s solution: she crushed up the pill and mixed it into applesauce. It tasted terrible, and to this day whenever I see pink applesauce I’m reminded of those pills. But the tonsillitis went away, and I harbor absolutely no hard feelings toward my mother. She did what was best for me.
Such is the case for those prescribing liberty as the solution for our country’s problems. Americans today can’t possibly fathom the principles of true freedom and small government. They’re inflamed with the symptoms of deficit spending, endless war, an increasingly demanding welfare system, and a nanny state that encroaches on every aspect of society. Thus, I propose a new strategy: crush up the pill.
No more honest campaigning on platforms of limited government, fiscal conservatism, and social liberalism. No more running under “the two-party system is evil” and “mainstream media is perpetuating the status quo” mantras. These tactics are not working. If they are, they’re not working fast enough. Every election year, libertarian candidates are lucky to even get on the ballot, let alone garner more than 10% of votes. Not because their solutions won’t work, but because Americans can’t wrap their heads around such ideas, and it’s not necessarily their fault.
This is where the pill crushing comes in.
Half the libertarian candidates should run as if they are big-government loving, war-mongering, homophobic, religious Republicans. It won’t matter that these candidates won’t have a history of votes and experience to back up their campaign, as is demonstrated by the current popularity of Santorum, Romney, and Gingrich. The public doesn’t much care to research candidates, media soundbites and wedge issue stances are all that matter come voting day. These “Republicans” should talk about their huge family as much as possible, express hatred towards gays, Muslims, and abortion, pander to the mainstream media, and blame Democrats for all our current problems.
The other half should run as big-government loving, “just war” tolerating, socially liberal Democrats. Again, neither a solid liberal voting record or years of public service experience are required, so long as they’re charismatic and fill their speeches with entitled, idealistic, motivational rhetoric. These “Democrats” should attend as many GLBT and college events as possible, pander to the mainstream media, and blame Republicans for all our current problems.
Given America’s love for voting based on party-affiliation alone, getting elected should be easy. Once in office, all candidates will flip back to their libertarian roots, completely reverse their original platform and set forth restoring the country to its roots of freedom and individual liberty. George W. Bush’s eight years in office and Obama’s four are proof that once an election is over, citizens are too apathetic, distracted, and/or disempowered to do anything about a politician whose actions don’t match their promises. In fact, they may even re-elect them. Once the symptoms of big government, decimated civil liberties, and endless war start to dissipate and the soothing comfort of liberty takes over, Americans will begin to understand why we did what we did.
And perhaps next time they start feeling sick, they’ll willingly swallow the pill, no crushing needed.