Iraqi POW Wins Nobel Prize for Screaming

Hat tip: The Onion
August 28, 1996 | Issue 30•03

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—In a formal ceremony yesterday, Ahmat Al-Fassan, an Iraqi soldier held prisoner and brutally tortured by Iranian captors for more than seven years, was awarded the 1996 Nobel Prize for Screaming.

Presenting Al-Fassan with the solid-gold medallion traditionally awarded Nobel winners, Swe-den’s King Carl Gustaf XVI praised the former prisoner of war for “excellence unparalleled in the field of shrieking at the top of one’s lungs in response to unheard-of levels of agonizing, brain-boiling pain.”
Al-Fassan, kept in a 3×3-foot locked box for the bulk of his captivity, thanked the Nobel Committee for the prestigious award: “Please. No. No more. No.”

Al-Fassan’s most noteworthy achievement came during a 1992 testicular crushing session involving a red-hot vise and 200 pounds of bricks, when a scream he let out was heard by an Iranian goat-herder more than 35 miles away.

“It was a very loud scream,” said goat-herder Aziz Farouk.

“You can be proud of your accomplishments,” Gustaf said. “Your volume stands unmatched.”

Al-Fassan said he plans to spend the $900,000 prize on alcohol.

From the LV editor: Written long before our “War on Terror”, maybe The Onion should repost this article to highlight the torture methods used by American captors. If such a piece was written, would it further loose its sense of humor if it highlighted the American captors’ acts upon children?